Ask Naja: Should my Husband and I tell his Ex we’re expecting

My husband and I have joint custody of a loving 3-year-old. His mother and I are on pretty good terms – we text about our son (re: social activities etc.) We’ve shared a few LOL’s but nothing too deep.

Q: Well, I’m pregnant (shhhh) and we are preparing soon-to-be Big Brother for the change in the household. I don’t want his mom to find out from her toddler that he’s gonna be a big brother. I like to do things WITH INTENTION-but I’m wondering if it’s even necessary. I’m overthinking I know — but the goal in my mind is for us to be a family (since for all intents and purposes – we ARE. We all help make the best decisions for a little son and will be in each other’s lives forever). Anyway, should I tell his mom? should my husband? should we both? HELP!

From Naja: TRUST is so important! Once it’s broken, the family becomes split and negative. I do think Dad should tell BM alone though. TREAD LIGHTLY because weddings, babies, life changes cause people to revert to “the past” or feelings of exclusion. Remind BM that HER baby will be loved and included.

How would you handle this scenario?

Below are a few of the responses from members of the Facebook support group. As you can see, our members are opinionated, funny and sincere. They give a wealth of input and they are right on the money.

*Responses are copied directly from members. We do not edit or manipulate for authenticity.

 I feel that since they are “1” they should approach this situation in the same manner. You have to be very careful how things like this are handled. I would already have a plan how the two of you would like to carry out the conversation. There doesn’t need to be any room left for uncertainty. I would also discuss with the bio mom if all 3 adults get together to tell the child. Just my 2cents

They should definitely tell her to cultivate a “familial” environment. Perhaps they should tell her together?

Yes, both of you tell her and discuss how to tell the 3 year old and how you all will prepare him for the baby. Communication and working together is a must for blended families. You want to continue open communication .
You don’t want to keep a life changing event such as this from the other mom because ultimately this will affect all of you and you want the trust level and communication to grow. Keeping this from her might cause trust issues . Congratulations on your new journey. I hope your blended family continues to manifest .

I’m in the same boat – plus the fact that bio mom and I were pregnant at the same time. Both families (hers and ours) made the intentional decision to share our baby news with the other party. All of the changes that come with a new baby affect the entire blended family.

I talk to my ex husband’s wife, so if she wanted to tell me she was pregnant, I would be elated!!! I’m sure it ain’t happening LOL, but I wouldn’t mind hearing it from her mouth. Now if I had no relationship with his wife, I wouldn’t care who told me or if they did tell me. That child ain’t mine, has nothing to do with me, and I wouldn’t mind my child knowing before me. I don’t feel like their new child is need to know, for me at all!!!! Share it with my daughter and I’ll find out whenever. Sharing news like this to me is dependent upon the person you are dealing with…. Like you said Naja, it could cause ill feelings for a BM and that wouldn’t be ideal. Or you could be dealing with a person like me who would love to hear it from your mouth and that could potentially bring us closer!!!!!

My husband told the kids and let the kids tell their mom lol. I told my daughter’s dad and his response was I’m not surprised you love him that’s what you do.