Q: Last night my fiance revealed some things to me that I was not aware of. Prior to our relationship, we were friends I knew that he had suffered from depression after the birth of his daughter because she was taking away at 3 months and he did not see her again until she was a year old. I was around for this but not really because I was away in college we talked about it as friends over phone conversations when we would check in every few weeks or so and when I went to basic training he would write me about the things that we’re going on at home. Again we weren’t together during this time but I knew what was going on. I knew he was hurting. Well tonight he tells me that before she was born he had suicidal thoughts. He also told me that there was a failed attempt. He says that he was afraid to fail and BM was taking him through it before the child had even arrived. At that point he was 21 years old and felt that his child would benefit more from his insurance policy if he was dead.
Well bio mom and I are currently on good terms we’ve been communicating back and forth about his daughter who is 6 (things that she needs to return to school, attending her orientation, setting her hair appointments etc.)
So my question is how do you deal with someone who has caused the love of your life so much pain? recently she has been allowing him and myself to have an open relationship with his daughter which is great but when I think about all the stuff she did to him (especially knowing he has always been ready and willing to be there for her) it makes me hate her. He’s never been a deadbeat. He’s always been involved family included. She’s done everything from verbal abuse, trying to get him arrested, alienating the child for 9 mos., sending him on scavenger hunts around town saying she would meet him when she was never even close to the same city. I could go on and on. Normally I’m okay but there are times when she wants to be in this perfect fantasy co-parenting relationship and it pisses me off like how do you just expect us to forget all the stuff you put us through? The stuff you put HIM through??
Of course some people would say do it for the kid and that sounds good and all but sometimes it’s just hard. I respect her as a mother because she takes great care of his daughter but I have no respect for her as a woman due to the lies and deceit and pain she’s caused.
A: Being alienated is a serious offense. My Husband was also alienated from his kids and I have witnessed what it does to even the strongest men. It tears away at their heart.
And it’s also traumatic for us as their support person to witness.
I’d encourage you to ask him deep questions about his emotional well being. Although, I have heard of alienated dads committing suicide, they were already predisposed to depression before the trauma of alienation happened in their lives. Be mindful of another life event throwing him off balance.
Has he been diagnosed with any mental/personality disorder? Suicidal thoughts and attempts are not to be disregarded.
As far as YOU. Girl, it sucks to know that another woman holds(and abuses) a piece of your man’s heart and there’s nothing you can do to heal him. It’s a part of accepting the BM that he is tied to for who she is. If shes nasty and disrespectful, that makes it tough to co-mother with her.
If she’s polite and kind, life is a bit easier.
In your case, bm is playing nice now…who knows!!! She could actually be a changed woman.
Dragging up the past with her, one that you weren’t a part of, may not farewell. The relationship between co-mamas is a VERY sensitive one. It is fragile and must be meticulously handled with kid-gloves. A slight bit of tension will throw the entire relationship into an uncontrollably growing ball of downhill contention.
Play nice with this woman. As you said, she’s a good mom and she is trying. Play it cool and play it safe.