Submitted by a member of the Blended and Black community
Have you ever found yourself saying, “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost a limb!”? Usually thoughts like this pass when we see a debilitated person. Some attempt to empathize, we may thank our Creator for sparing us the horrid experience, some of us may simply look away.
Over the years, I’ve watched my Husband experience a “loss” in which I can only best compare to losing a limb. You see, he has 3 children. When I met him, I noticed that he was a doting father, exactly like my own Dad. Although he lived and worked in a different city from his kids, he’d got them a cellphone in order to Facetime and do homework, daily random check-ins and sometimes he’d just sit on the phone and watch them in their playroom. He would visit once a month while away on assignment. The kids’ BM has never held a job and still does not work to this very day because he pays a surplus of Child Support.
My Husband’s travel-based job did not become a source of blame until BM realized that he was no longer someone she could control. In 3 years, I’ve watched him go from being an involved Super-Dad to being relegated to the sole financier. That cell phone that he got the kids, well he paid the bill. After months of barely-answered calls, he noticed that His calls were ignored but every other call was accepted. When he brought it to BMs attention, the phone was mysteriously broken beyond repair. BM has since gotten the kids a new cell phone, but refuses to give my Husband the number. She switches between saying “they are afraid of you, they don’t know you, they don’t want to talk to you”.
On about 6 occasions (as recent as Christmas 2016) we have booked & paid for travel to visit the kids. The kids were never brought to the exchange spot! We’re relegated to filing this stack of seemingly frivolous contempt charges at $3K each (inc. attorney fees) and hope for justice from Family Court. I’d sit with my Husband in silence on Father’s Days, birthdays, special occasions and every, single day. Now, he has reached a place of peace. The pain of being alienated from his kids is no longer has a stinging, debilitating burn. It’s become more of constant, yet bearable pounding in his heart.
Children that once adored him, have been meticulously and viciously taught to hate him and his entire family. At this very moment, these children are actively being brainwashed into thinking their Daddy abandoned them. BM has made the kids a repository for her own pain. She does not hate my Husband, she’s, in fact, admitted that she still loves him to the both he and I. This woman has no resources in which to help her move on. She has resolved to reside in woe, defeat, resent and regret. As a woman who’s experienced pain, I dare not tell her to “5 years is enough time to get over it”. As A Wife, however, I am fiercely protective of My Husband, Our Household and Our family.
When other loving Father’s learn of my Husband’s experience, they say, “Man I don’t know what I’d do if I were you.” “I’d go crazy!” “I’d never stop going to court!” Just like my Husband once did, these men never know what they’d do until they’re in this unfathomable situation. Many men would crumble, fall into a depression or wallow in the helplessness of grieving for living kids. One thing is for certain, my Husband has conquered an emotional and spiritual battle that I could not imagine. One thing I have personally witnessed, is that a parent never truly gets over something like this. They simply learn to cope. In time, the scar heals, and while noticeably felt, it no longer cripples them. They learn to function without the “use of a limb”, in my Husband’s case, he has turned the loss into a source of motivation.
If you’re a parent (or you love a parent) that has experienced alienation in even the smallest forms, I know you can relate. I encourage you to never give up on your children. And most importantly, do not give up on yourself. There is no honor in your life ceasing because you’re attached to a person who’s sole purpose if to use your kids to destroy you. Thrive for your kids and for everyone else that loves you!
Join us here next week in the BLENDED & BLACK The Blended Family Support Group . Jan 23-27, we will be spotlighting #ParentalAlienation and exposing this horrible phenomenon. Parental Alienation hurts everyone in the end.
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