My husband has a HCBM (high conflict biomom) that is out of control. She continues to call and harass us at all hours of the day and night. She has no respect for anyone but herself (if even that). She doesn’t comply with any visitation orders, she is consistently late and she does everything in her power just to make our lives
miserable. My husband seems to allow this to go on and he refuses to put her in her place. I am at the end of my rope and I can’t take it anymore. Should I stay or go? I have no kids of my own but I am a
step-mom to a set of lovely 8 year old triplets, and those kids mean the world to me.
Dear Fed up,
The most important thing to remember is that your husband has no control of the other woman or her
actions and probably thinks that this is the best scenario because things could always be worse. It is said
that people only treat you the way you allow them to (I don’t totally agree with that saying). It seems
like there are two real situations that you have to think about when it comes to his EX.
1-she doesn’t know that this behavior is unacceptable, or 2-she knows and just doesn’t care. I think option 1 is really out of the question, as a functioning adult she knows what she is doing, which leads me to believe that
she is doing it to get a rise out of both of you.
My advice to you is two-fold.
1- Talk to your husband and find out why he responds the way he does. My guess is that he will
say something along the lines of “she isn’t going to change no matter what I say” or “she wants
to get into a fight with me and I’m not going to give her that satisfaction” or “I don’t have the
time or the energy to deal with her foolishness.” Once you have a CALM discussion with him
about his actions and responses I think you will find a better understanding of why he does
things a certain way. Once you two have this understanding you will be stronger and a more
united front against this force that is intent on ruining your marriage. It is imperative that you
communicate how you feel to him in a way that he will understand. Men are simple creatures,
don’t expect us to pick up your subtleties and hints, we won’t. Tell him explicitly that you feel
disrespected by her and that you feel like he is allowing it.
2- Ignore her….HARD. I don’t mean let her continue in her disrespectful ways. I mean keep her at
a distance and start to operate the relationship on your terms. Set up an email address
specifically for the kids and let her know that all communication needs to be in writing. Set up a
scheduled time for her to call the kids and don’t deviate (if they want to call her at other times
that is fine). Download a call blocker app for both of your phones and set it to block her number
at night and most of the day. If she violates any court order let her know that you’ll be going to
court for enforcement. Be firm, it usually takes a few contempt charges and actual consequences give a high conflict person a wake up call. If need be, you may want to do pickups and drop offs at the local police HQ.
The last thing you need is her coming over ruining your personal space. Don’t let her into
your house if you can avoid it. Put her in a box and don’t let her out, probably forever. Once
the two of you talk and you express your feelings and remove this distraction from your life I am
certain things will be a lot better.
To answer your question about staying vs. leaving, only you can answer that, but it doesn’t seem
fair to anyone to let someone from the past determine your future. It seems her goal is to drive
you away from what would otherwise be a great relationship. Try to neutralize her influence on
your life and see if you still have the same question, I’m betting that you won’t
To submit a question to #AskDad, email Team@blendedandblack.com