7 Types of Women That Should Never Become Stepmothers
Stepmothering is probably one of the toughest roles I’ve held to date. It’s not even so much the actual ‘mothering’ part. I enjoy being present in the lives of my stepchildren. I’m thankful to have the privilege of watching them grow up. I have been blessed with three really cool humans, so I am one of the lucky women that does not have to deal with uncooperative stepkids. However, many women are suffering because their lives are negatively affected by the parenting choices of their partner and his coparent. The step part is what has caused me grief. I stepped into a family that had been devastated by divorce and they had not yet established their new normal. A divorce is basically the death of an original family unit, so these people were mourning their hopes, dreams and expectations. While mine has overcome some very dark moments, some families actually never recover from acrimonious splits. They simply learn to survive alongside chaos and conflict while trying to squeeze happy moments from their constant funnel of turmoil.
A while back, I asked my online community of Stepmoms, “If you could have a do-over, would you still say yes?” An overwhelming majority of women said they would NOT give it another go. Listen to Episode 13 of my podcast to hear what Stepmoms reactions.
As a Stepfamily Coach, creator of one of the most engaged blended family platforms, and a Stepmom, I can easily spot a woman who will have great difficulty finding success in her role as a stepmom. While any woman can fall in love with a Dad, not everyone will be able to be the best version of herself while carrying the title of Stepmom. Everything isn’t for everybody and that is totally okay. There are just certain types of women who just should not date or marry men with children. Here are 7 types of women that should avoid stepmotherhood:
A woman who is easily triggered
There is a natural level of insecurity that happens when you love a man with kids. He has an ex who is still in his life, he has a past and he has priorities that you do not share. In order to be at your best, you must learn to be okay with these inalienable facts. If you are a person that does not have the capacity to shut down those pesky thoughts of his past and separate your man from his previous life, you’ll become a hollow, tortured soul. Many stepmoms practice mindfulness, emotional control and meditation. These are life savers for stepmoms that find themselves dealing with occasional imbalance. If you’re unable to self-calibrate, listen to podcast episode 4: Stressed Out Stepmom Affirmations. Over 10K people have downloaded this particular episode. Press play! Save it!
A woman that suffers from untreated personality or mental disorders
There are countless mental illnesses and 10 different types of personality disorders. The negative stigma placed on those with mental illness has shamed many into not seeking proper treatment. Some people simply cannot face their issues and others are not aware that they have problems. Mental illnesses and personality disorders, directly and indirectly, affect about one-third of the world’s population and the trauma that may ensue is difficult to fix. Being in a blended family can unearth traumas and cause relapses in women suffering from anxiety and depression, so it’s best to avoid being in a situation where you will be constantly scrutinized, triggered and re-traumatized.
A woman who is not extremely flexible
Some people have an absolute need for structure and stability. A blended family is probably the farthest thing from normal that you will ever experience. There are many nuances outside of your realm of control that affect your everyday life. Your partner has an ex with whom they must regularly interact. If the ex is high conflict, multiply your level of anxiety and frustration by ten! Also, when you’re dating a parent, you must be okay with the fact that they exclusively share an experience with their ex that you do not. Their child’s needs come first. A man who has not learned how to classify and separate his love for you and his children will cause you a world of grief. Children are also totally unpredictable, and parents have to be at the behest of their kids when duty calls. This means that the trip you’ve been planning to Paris may get canceled if Jr. breaks his leg during a basketball game. Rolling with the punches and being understanding is a big part of stepmotherhood. If you’re not part woman or part rubber, this isn’t the job for you.
A woman without a life of her own
If you do not have your own set of goals and your agenda, you may find yourself lost in your man’s previous life. Women that become engulfed in their man’s business stand a very high chance at being consumed by a circumstance that they did not create, nor one over which they have any control. A Stepmom has to master the art of being unbothered by factors outside of her household, even when they are a thorn in her side. A woman that has her own goals, ambitions and plans has a far better chance at keeping her eyes on the prize. (sidenote: YOU are the prize!)
A woman that has a low tolerance for other people’s kids
If you have a low tolerance for children that do not belong to you by blood or law, then you should forgo stepmotherhood. There is joy, as well as an inexplicable level patience and grace that comes along with being a parent. Stepmothers are in a maternal role, but they do not have the deep natural bond with their stepkids that biological moms experience. Stepkids, in turn, do not have the level of love, capacity to forgive and deference for a stepparent. Some stepfamilies can develop a deep love bond, but most do not. Placing strangers under the same roof, in a setting with untraditional roles, usually leads to a frustrating mesh-up of confusion. You should not scold your Stepkids when they need discipline. They may never forgive you. You should avoid reprimanding them as you would your own kids when they disrespect you- so your head may explode from sheer frustration. You must pretty much have the patience of Job (see the Bible). The emotional wear and tear of stepmotherhood is hard on any woman, but if you cannot tolerate kids aside from your own, don’t date a dad.
A woman who is conflicted about having children of her own
This one of personal for me because I am a childfree Stepmom. I was totally enjoying the single gal in New York City lifestyle before I met my Husband. Just kidding! While I was certainly single, I had not met a fella that made me as happy the man I married. The knight in shining armor that swept me off my sore feet just happened to have three kids! Our situation was unique because of a few factors. My Husband’s kids lived in a different state, so his parenting did not intersect with the beginning of our courtship. We also experienced parental alienation, so I did not get to experience true stepmotherhood for many years. As opposed to wallowing in the agony and defeat that so many alienated people feel, we chose to use our time to build a solid love bond. We knew that the tough times would not last always and we learned to not allow outside factors to deter us from choosing happiness. Sometimes it may not feel fair when you have to make certain sacrifices because of your Husband’s choices BUT you stay because it feels worth it. Before taking the leap into this life, I wrote down a cost/benefit analysis and I literally listed what marrying Tony would cost me and how it would benefit me. As I am typing this article, my Husband, myself and my three stepchildren are on a flight headed to New York City to spend the summer. Needless to say, these have become moments that are part of a much bigger picture. Foresight has afforded me the capability to view my life from a positive perspective. Remember, some of the most gratifying and isolating parts of this journey are based on how you feel. Bringing a new baby into a ready-made family is hectic, but it can be such a beautiful thing. Some stepmoms are sure they want biological children and others are just fine foregoing motherhood in exchange for stepmomming. When a woman is completely unsure, grieving a loss, or battling infertility, being a stepmother only exacerbates feelings of confusion, pain and a false sense of urgency.
Opt out if your man has set you up for failure
You are a stepmom because your partner had a child before he met you. He was already a parent, so you have been able to observe him in this role. Your success as a Stepmom has everything to do with the groundwork your partner has laid with his coparent and his child. If he has a contemptuous situation, more than likely, you will not be able to form a nice co-mama bond with his coparent. If things are still messy, you will inevitably get dirty. Your relationship will be soiled by drama and conflict. Many second marriages do not survive because of the inability for families to blend. We often like to excuse our men’s poor choices, but until you marry him, they are his alone to bear, not yours. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but his choice to have kids with a difficult woman will certainly make your life experience less enjoyable. Offer sympathy if he has a bad situation, but you are not obligated to stay in a relationship with him when his parenting obligations hinder the life you had planned for yourself. Ejecting yourself from your man’s hardships does not make you selfish. As you preserve yourself, you are making room for him to find a woman that is cut out for the gig. The Universe will smile on you.
Aside from high conflict mothers and uncooperative stepkids, the MAN in the middle can make your life very hard. Opt out of Stepmothering if your partner does not acknowledge your contribution to his family, he is not transparent with his circumstances, he proves himself disloyal to you or his kids and he is unable to take accountability for how his decisions will affect the rest of your life. If your man is not the BEST possible provider, partner and human…RUN!
Stepmomming a tough job and if you’re truly cut out for it, it will require you to grow beyond your wildest dreams. You will develop a strong armor. You will learn to keep love close and set boundaries. This will be one of your biggest tests as a woman. As long as you handle yourself with finesse and delicacy, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. As a stepmom, you have the option to step UP, step AWAY and step OUT. Your life and your happiness are your responsibility so be sure to make the most of each and every day.
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