The most unfortunate time in a relationship is when you realize it has reached its climax. The best times have passed and it’s all downhill from here. Many of us will fight tooth and nail to salvage love, but sadly when our efforts are in vain we must begin the process of learning to live without a person. If you want to be successful, you’ll have to start the process of unhinging your life from a mate that you possibly could have seen yourself growing old with. I know it hurts, but you will find yourself consumed and stuck in a rut of bitterness if you do not allow yourself time and space to rejuvenate. To add insult to injury, we live in a day and age where you can not only see your Exes every move via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram even Grindr (LOL), but you may have to see him happy with someone else. That ish hurts! Like hell! May I remind you, your Ex is an Ex for a reason. Once a relationship reaches its breaking point you should be able to walk away with the confidence that you gave it your all and it was just not meant to be. But to actually see the image of the very man that has made your life “so very miserable”, smiling from ear-to-ear with some other lady….that’s a huge blow. One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure though. If you reflect on the good times, you will realize that you fell in love with this man for a reason. Although bad times ensued, you can still admit that love was your main motivation. You ultimately had to end your relationship, but you should realize that another woman can fall for him for the exact same reasons you did. And if he’s lucky, he will have learned from his past with you and be able to grow and prosper because of all of the things that he learned during the course of your courtship. It’s kinda messed up, but people do grow at the expense of others. The universe will reward you for efforts though.
When he became your Ex, you discarded him. You discarded one another. Someone came and picked him up, dusted him off and he became shiny and new to them. This new woman does not see her new man through YOUR eyes, she’s see him through her own. This new lady comes with her own set of life experiences, education, past relationships, upbringing etc.. so she does not see him as the pathetic little boy that you’ve reduced him to. She’s sees him as a valiant man of strength that can sweep her off her sore feet. He’s smiling in those pictures because he feels like a leader again. You’re angry because you cannot fathom how this awful little man could have the audacity to think he’ll be more than what you claimed him to be. Your trash is literally becoming a treasure before your very eyes…..and man, that ish hurts!
Here’s an amazing article on the 7 stages of a breakup for your reference. It’s healthy to identify and acknowledge where you are in the breakup process. If you are reading this, more than likely you are somewhere between steps 3-5.
Each and every one of us have painstakingly drudged through each of the phases in that article and we’re still alive! You are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. You are not WEAK, so stop projecting the actions of a weak woman. Look yourself in the mirror and say, I am a SINGLE LADY. I AM BEAUTIFUL. Now repeat it until the fact that you are now single sinks in. I know it sounds corny, but it works. When you look at your reflection and you proclaim to yourself that you are single, it does something to the psyche. Your mind begins to visualize and you can begin to earn back your individuality.
If you’re lucky, you can make a clean break and allow time to heal the awful wounds of heartache. But many will have to sever romantic ties when there are children and assets involved. The challenge of having to deal with a person that you once loved or you are trying to STOP loving after things have soured is a rough task. You have to adjust your tone when conducting business matters with your Ex. You are no longer life partners, you are business partners. Your MAIN GOAL is co- parenting and raising strong young people that will be an asset to society. If you are unable to communicate on the most simplistic level, your most valuable investment (the child) will suffer. Using your child as a bargaining chip is always a fail. Keep in mind that if you are lucky enough to have an Ex that wants to actually be a father, then you should let him. I know so many grown women now that have DADDY ISSUES. In reality some did not acquire their dark outlook on men, love and relationships from their father; they got it from a bitter, enraged mother. Mom poisoned her innocent kids’ minds against the 1st man that they ever loved. For little girls especially, this is so dangerous. If you do not stop and undo the damage today, you will have a future treacherous lil lady on your hands. The boys develop a propensity to become angry and disrespectful towards their father and they lose all respect for authority. This is where you spring into MamaBear mode. You need to protect your kids from pain and sadly you are probably the one that is causing it. Let Dad do his job, even if it’s from far away. You are the key liaison between this man and the kids you share. If he falls short, trust me, your children will eventually be able to see him for who he really is. Your job is to facilitate the relationship between father and child, not hinder it.
When I was a kid, my mama used to say, “Honey, go and get yourself some business!” This was her retort when I was to excuse myself because the conversations around me were not kid- appropriate. Well, if you are at the point that your Ex’s activities are consuming your entire being, Girlfriend, go get yaself some business! Raise your children and keep them safe from your emotional upheavals, take up a hobby, dust off that Rosetta Stone, lose some weight, get some cosmetic work done, go and actually finish that college degree! This may be harsh, but you know you’ve sunken to a new low when you start to Google your old flings new boo thang. If you have actually typed another woman’s name in a google search, you are in a sad headspace sista. I need you to have an out-of-body experience for a second. Observe your actions from a detached point of view. Do you see yourself sitting in a dark room, sifting through another woman’s entire life via social media? Do you know how pathetic you sound to your friends when you call them complaining how ugly his new girl is? Do you realize that this man DOES NOT CARE when you try to assassinate his new woman? He has chosen her for a reason, accept it and do not trivialize the memory of your old relationship with useless banter. Although your Ex, may not defend his woman’s honor to your face, I can guarantee you that he is shielding her from your venomous wrath. She becomes a gentle flower that he longs to protect and you become the Big Bad Wolf. You don’t wanna be the Big Bad Wolf do you? Your hateful words will fall on deaf ears and the only person you damage is yourself. Save face and start over. Below are a few steps that will get you back on the path to healing!
1.Don’t fight! – It’s pathetic that I have to say this as to my readership consists of proactive women, but fighting is NEVER the answer. You should never physically express your grief toward your old flame. Cry, yes. But biting (yes, there are actually women that BITE men), punching, destroying property etc. screams a lack of class and frankly it’s just down right thuggish.Real men want to adore you, not see you as a common belligerent toddler that has tantrums when you don’t get your way. If you have Anger Management Issues, Seek HELP. If you’re suffering from Bipolar Syndrome, Seek HELP. If you simply feel as if your life has spun out of control, Seek HELP. And by help, I don’t mean talk to your lesbian girlfriend or your mom who can’t pinpoint exactly who your father is. I mean, do the due diligence of speaking to a professional that can guide you through this turmoil.
2. Don’t come crawling back- Initially after a breakup we have this ever present strength. We feel invincible and we convince ourselves that moving on is the only option. We party, we date, we enjoy this newfound freedom. You get through the tough moments by reminding yourself that life goes on. But that very second that you see that your Ex got that same memo, your entire world comes crashing down. When you see an Ex (gasp) happy, most of the time you’re not jumping for joy. The worst possible thing is try to revive your old fling with him. Some men will entertain you, especially if there are kids involved BUT the same issues that caused your demise will ultimately rear their ugly heads once the smoke clears. Women are competitive by nature, so when you see him with someone new, simmer down. Do not put yourself in a place to compete with this complete stranger. Keep it real, you don’t want that man, you just don’t want anyone to have him.
3. Do not consume yourself with the “new chic”- This is the part where us ladies begin the comparison game. You fill your mind with nonsense about what their relationship must be like. You take screenshots of all of their activities and send them to your peeps. You’ve definitely googled this lady. You stalk their social media in hopes of finding something…anything. You become desperate for answers. If you have no shame, you’ve even brought it to your Ex’s attention that you are consumed with his new lady. Ask yourself though, what is it exactly that you hope to find? STOP IT! STOP IT I SAY!!!
4. Be the bigger person- if you realize that your bouts of anger have caused discomfort for your Ex, try apologizing, especially if you two have to stay in contact because there are kids involved. If you have said bad things about his new chic, apologize and admit that you were acting as a scorned woman. If you have attacked the new woman personally, simply have a cordial conversation with her. Offer an apology. Trust me, we’ve all been there…any woman can be understanding of your pain. You and the new woman may not exactly become bff’s but there will be a mutual respect. Beyond that, there is no reason for you to be in contact with her until he decides to make her a member of his family. At that point, the focus is shifted from cattiness and backbiting to gaining an understanding that there are little ones involved and peace and harmony MUST happen.
Remember, if you try to stop him from moving on with his life, you are stalling yourself too and STOP LURKING!